To You, Who Changed My Life

Dear you,

I guess I should thank you for coming into my life. I’ve been learning a lot about myself since Day 1 and not all of it is easy to stomach. Growing is hard, growing up even harder. You’d think that 25 years of life would have forced that second one on me already but everything I’ve gone through since meeting you has shown me I’m still a child in many ways, clinging to my fantasies and refusing to accept that life is seldom fair. I’ve come face to face with my selfishness, my pride, my sense of superiority. I’ve seen that even though I wouldn’t consider myself entitled, I believe I deserve answers and explanations for everything. In a perfect world I’d get them, but something I’ve learned is that I’ll go crazy if I refuse to move on with life until those answers arrive.

I want to make sense of things, because the world is often nonsensical and confusing. It’s loud and scary and overwhelming and knowing how and why bad things happened to me gives me a sense of security. Maybe if I know, I can avoid the same problem next time.

But sometimes the reason isn’t mine to know. I can’t even tell you how much I don’t understand that, but I know it’s true. Sometimes it’s just not up to me and I have to learn that I can survive in a world I don’t control. It’s terrifying and I hate it but it’s true, and I don’t know if I could have seen that without you.

I’ve been frustrated with myself because I’ve seen so much ugliness in the mirror lately, and sometimes I throw a fit and tell myself there’s no point in changing because I’m tired of other people and they can just deal with me as I am (see how easy it is to duck responsibility? I never knew how good I was at that, before). But I haven’t just scraped away my illusions on your unyielding indifference. You also helped me uncover passions I didn’t know I had, strengths I hadn’t dreamed of, and a sense of belonging I’d nearly given up on finding. Knowing it’s even possible to be that happy makes a huge difference in how I see the world. You clarified a lot of things for me, helped lift the fog for awhile so I could glimpse where I fit in the world.

I’m back in darkness now, but my eyesight is forever changed by the view you showed me. I don’t always remember there’s more out there than what I can see of my immediate surroundings, but the knowledge is there and it shapes my expectations, my actions. When I’m not too afraid to take a step forward, the things I’ve learned because of you are the path I set out on. It’s hard to accept the reality of things at times but I can’t go back to ignorance and in the end, that’s something to be grateful for. I don’t think I could really be as happy as possible if I was still trying to pretend I was more than I was. At least now I can fill myself out, become more of myself.

I still can’t decide if I truly want you to be happy, or if I just want you to be happy with me. But I can at least say I wish you well, because you’ve altered the course of my life in a way only a few things ever will. That wasn’t an easy task. But I believe it was worth it.

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