How can I impart value to the world?

A big fear of mine is living my entire life without accomplishing anything worthwhile, never doing anything valuable for the people around me. A lot of things I can do feel hollow to me, and I think it’s because they don’t ask anything of me that only I can give. I want to take who I am, and what gifts I have, and use those to create some sort of legacy or positive impact on the world, even if it’s small.

Every time I ask myself questions about what I love doing, what I’m good at, and what I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, I usually come back to some sort of writing. I think that’s what I’m called to do in life, and I’m really happy I know that.

But I’m not sure how exactly to apply that knowledge right now. Yes, I want to write books, but I’m not sure what kind of books I should write. Yes, I enjoy blogging, but I don’t know what kind of blog I can run that is valuable enough for someone to take the time out to read it. What knowledge can I share that someone else hasn’t already said better? Is my life interesting enough to justify asking for someone’s attention, even if only for a few minutes a day?

I really don’t know, and it feels a little overwhelming to think of my small, insignificant self ever making a difference in this world. What can I do that no one else can?

For now, I’m taking the steps that seem best to get me to where I want to go, even if I’m not sure what the particular destination is. Studying English in college and keeping up this blog are two things I know will be beneficial to me as I seek for my mission in life.

I won’t lie, I’ve always felt that being a mother is the most important thing I can ever do with my life and I’ve always known it’s a calling for me. But I don’t know when I’ll be blessed with children and I don’t know how much of my life will be only blessing the family I have, and how much will be using some of my other talents to bless others as well.

I don’t know what my life will actually look like in 10 years, or what my impact in life will be, but I know I can prepare myself to be whoever I need to be in order to make the most of it. I don’t have kids now and I don’t have a popular blog with thousands of followers. I don’t have any books published or even a writing-related career. All I can do, then, is write and develop that skill, and sand off my rough edges while exercising my positive attributes to be a more patient, nurturing, forgiving person for my future children.

I’m grateful I have at least a direction to point myself in. I know so many people my age who have no idea what they want their lives to look like, or what they could do to bless others. They’re just plodding along, not knowing where they’ll end up, hoping the fog will lift and a sign will appear that tells them where to go next. The scary part is, I’m not completely out of the woods yet. I feel that same fog around me quite often, and it’s tempting to give up and simply do whatever seems easiest at any given moment.

But I know each of us has some sort of gift, and a unique ability to make a positive difference. I guess I’ll never be happy as long as I’m ignoring that fact and trying to keep my head down.


On My Struggle to “Let Go”

I’ve been doing well enough to write for a week or so, at this point…I’ve been meaning to do so, but I haven’t been sure what to say. Sometimes, the best writing comes after letting thoughts simmer and stew for a while. At least, I can hope that’s the case.

I always struggled with the concept of “letting go,” especially in practice. It sounded really nice, being able to let a load drop free of my shoulders and move forward with a smile on my face. But whenever I was faced with something difficult, something I couldn’t change that I nonetheless hated, I clung to all the negative feelings with a death grip I couldn’t figure out how to break. Over and over I’d run the same thoughts through my mind, the “whys” and “hows” and “it’s not real, right?” I’d examine the situation from every angle, desperately searching for a way to fix it, to change the outcome, no matter how pointless it was. I would KNOW I was doing something that would make my life harder, but I couldn’t stop.

I’m still that way, for the most part, and I don’t know the “secret” to letting go. But when it came to being dumped by Josh, the breakup led to a breakthrough.

Continue reading “On My Struggle to “Let Go””

I know I’m not strong enough to be everything that I’m supposed to be…But I will be someday.

A couple of weeks ago, I found this 28-Day Squat Challenge and decided I was going to do it. I actually really like squats, probably because my legs are by far the strongest part of my body and it’s easier to squat than to do a push-up. The added benefit of strengthening my lower body is that I might have better luck shopping for shorts and pants in the future, when I actually have something to fill the butt section of the item.

I’ve started other challenges before; there was a 30-day ab challenge that I tried for a little while before I gave up, and a “sexy legs workout” I did a few times. I did stick with the ab challenge for a while, but I couldn’t keep up with the pace it demanded so I had to cut back and take it more slowly, and I can’t do sit-ups at all without something to hold my feet down, which was a problem at the time (I’ve fractured the same bones in the same foot a few separate times over the last decade, and it was still healing from the most recent injury).

Part of this squat challenge is total dedication to getting the form right before moving on. If you don’t complete the full number of squats on any particular day, or if you do all of the squats but you don’t do them properly, you have to start back at the beginning of that 7-day period. I like that, and I figured that stipulation would be beneficial to stick to when doing the challenge on my own.

I expected the physical strain, and the feelings of procrastination I sometimes get, but these challenges have forced me to acknowledge something else that I wasn’t expecting to have to face: I am a very inconsistent human being. I have had to start week 2 of the challenge on two separate occasions because I forgot to do my squats on one of the days. Last night, I remembered I needed to do them after I was already in bed. I sat for a few minutes that felt like hours, debating on whether I should get up and get them done, or just start the week over tomorrow. And I chose to go to sleep. It bothered me that I was in that position.

Continue reading “I know I’m not strong enough to be everything that I’m supposed to be…But I will be someday.”