A big fear of mine is living my entire life without accomplishing anything worthwhile, never doing anything valuable for the people around me. A lot of things I can do feel hollow to me, and I think it’s because they don’t ask anything of me that only I can give. I want to take who I am, and what gifts I have, and use those to create some sort of legacy or positive impact on the world, even if it’s small.
Every time I ask myself questions about what I love doing, what I’m good at, and what I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, I usually come back to some sort of writing. I think that’s what I’m called to do in life, and I’m really happy I know that.
But I’m not sure how exactly to apply that knowledge right now. Yes, I want to write books, but I’m not sure what kind of books I should write. Yes, I enjoy blogging, but I don’t know what kind of blog I can run that is valuable enough for someone to take the time out to read it. What knowledge can I share that someone else hasn’t already said better? Is my life interesting enough to justify asking for someone’s attention, even if only for a few minutes a day?
I really don’t know, and it feels a little overwhelming to think of my small, insignificant self ever making a difference in this world. What can I do that no one else can?
For now, I’m taking the steps that seem best to get me to where I want to go, even if I’m not sure what the particular destination is. Studying English in college and keeping up this blog are two things I know will be beneficial to me as I seek for my mission in life.
I won’t lie, I’ve always felt that being a mother is the most important thing I can ever do with my life and I’ve always known it’s a calling for me. But I don’t know when I’ll be blessed with children and I don’t know how much of my life will be only blessing the family I have, and how much will be using some of my other talents to bless others as well.
I don’t know what my life will actually look like in 10 years, or what my impact in life will be, but I know I can prepare myself to be whoever I need to be in order to make the most of it. I don’t have kids now and I don’t have a popular blog with thousands of followers. I don’t have any books published or even a writing-related career. All I can do, then, is write and develop that skill, and sand off my rough edges while exercising my positive attributes to be a more patient, nurturing, forgiving person for my future children.
I’m grateful I have at least a direction to point myself in. I know so many people my age who have no idea what they want their lives to look like, or what they could do to bless others. They’re just plodding along, not knowing where they’ll end up, hoping the fog will lift and a sign will appear that tells them where to go next. The scary part is, I’m not completely out of the woods yet. I feel that same fog around me quite often, and it’s tempting to give up and simply do whatever seems easiest at any given moment.
But I know each of us has some sort of gift, and a unique ability to make a positive difference. I guess I’ll never be happy as long as I’m ignoring that fact and trying to keep my head down.