To You, Who Changed My Life

Dear you,

I guess I should thank you for coming into my life. I’ve been learning a lot about myself since Day 1 and not all of it is easy to stomach. Growing is hard, growing up even harder. You’d think that 25 years of life would have forced that second one on me already but everything I’ve gone through since meeting you has shown me I’m still a child in many ways, clinging to my fantasies and refusing to accept that life is seldom fair. I’ve come face to face with my selfishness, my pride, my sense of superiority. I’ve seen that even though I wouldn’t consider myself entitled, I believe I deserve answers and explanations for everything. In a perfect world I’d get them, but something I’ve learned is that I’ll go crazy if I refuse to move on with life until those answers arrive.

I want to make sense of things, because the world is often nonsensical and confusing. It’s loud and scary and overwhelming and knowing how and why bad things happened to me gives me a sense of security. Maybe if I know, I can avoid the same problem next time.

But sometimes the reason isn’t mine to know. I can’t even tell you how much I don’t understand that, but I know it’s true. Sometimes it’s just not up to me and I have to learn that I can survive in a world I don’t control. It’s terrifying and I hate it but it’s true, and I don’t know if I could have seen that without you.

I’ve been frustrated with myself because I’ve seen so much ugliness in the mirror lately, and sometimes I throw a fit and tell myself there’s no point in changing because I’m tired of other people and they can just deal with me as I am (see how easy it is to duck responsibility? I never knew how good I was at that, before). But I haven’t just scraped away my illusions on your unyielding indifference. You also helped me uncover passions I didn’t know I had, strengths I hadn’t dreamed of, and a sense of belonging I’d nearly given up on finding. Knowing it’s even possible to be that happy makes a huge difference in how I see the world. You clarified a lot of things for me, helped lift the fog for awhile so I could glimpse where I fit in the world.

I’m back in darkness now, but my eyesight is forever changed by the view you showed me. I don’t always remember there’s more out there than what I can see of my immediate surroundings, but the knowledge is there and it shapes my expectations, my actions. When I’m not too afraid to take a step forward, the things I’ve learned because of you are the path I set out on. It’s hard to accept the reality of things at times but I can’t go back to ignorance and in the end, that’s something to be grateful for. I don’t think I could really be as happy as possible if I was still trying to pretend I was more than I was. At least now I can fill myself out, become more of myself.

I still can’t decide if I truly want you to be happy, or if I just want you to be happy with me. But I can at least say I wish you well, because you’ve altered the course of my life in a way only a few things ever will. That wasn’t an easy task. But I believe it was worth it.

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Tone It Up 2016

Hi there! My favorite trainers, Karena & Katrina at Tone It Up, LOVE to challenge women everywhere to dedicate themselves to loving their bodies and getting healthy! A few times a year they roll out themed challenges with new workouts, nutrition guides, giveaways, and more! A year ago I was participating in the Love Your Body challenge, although I quit after a week or two because I was frustrated with how expensive it was to buy healthy foods when I didn’t have a job…. This year, I’m participating in the Tone It Up Challenge!

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I’m also working through their book, 28 Days to Fit, Fierce, & Fabulous to tone up my mind and heart along with my body.

It’s Hump Day of week 1 (although it’s not too late to join in if you’re interested) and I feel like posting a mid-week update!

Sunday was meal prep day and goal-setting. I did a good job with goal-setting, not so good with the meal prep because I wasn’t feeling well and I got really tired and needed a nap before I got everything done. I got the hardest parts done though!

My goals for this challenge are:

Be Fit

  • I will learn to rock meal prep Sundays!
  • I will use exercise/yoga to cope with stress and relieve tension
  • I will go completely gluten-free for good!

Be Fierce

  • I will follow through on all my promises
  • I will have the courage to keep going when I’m frustrated
  • I will have the motivation to accomplish my dreams

Be Fabulous

  • I will share my love more freely
  • I will feel more peaceful
  • I will be more forgiving

Day 1 was great, followed the meal plan really well and got both my exercises in! Day 2 was an oopsie since I slept 13 hours and got up pretty late. I did eat healthily that day and get 2 workouts in, although the second one was shorter than it should have been. Stayed up too late again. 😦

Today, Day 3, I got one very very short workout in! Hung out with a friend for a bit, got all my meals ready to take with me to work tonight and I’ll probably be doing squats or something when I’m not too busy.

I’m checking in on Instagram when I can, and you can see the photos in the sidebar of my blog!

I’m planning on weekly updates for the next 8 weeks of the challenge, but I’ll probably do some midweek posts every so often or whenever I have something to share!

I love the book and the daily mantras and challenges that help me to focus on an aspect of myself that will improve my life and how I see myself. It was a purchase I needed to make.

ETA: I did some research last night and I found a great gym to hit twice weekly when I start my college courses in a couple of weeks! I’m really excited about attending some fitness classes for the first time and meeting new people!

Have a wonderful day and enjoy the rest of your week! Love you guys!

 

Resistance

I’ve been kind of frustrated with myself lately because the thoughts running foremost through my mind are about my purpose in this life, and how I need to proceed if I want to make a difference in the world. And those thoughts are not reflected at all by my actions of late. It seems like I’ve come up against an incredibly strong wind, blowing hard against my motivation and willpower to do anything important. Making every step forward seem like an indecent amount of effort. I know what I need to do, it’s just a matter of finding the strength to do it.

Maybe this resistance I’ve suddenly encountered is all the proof I need that I’m on the right track. Let’s keep pushing.