An Unexpected Defeat

I wasn’t expecting a fantastic Christmas this year, but I was doing my best to be upbeat about it. I got up at a decent hour on Christmas Eve and went to the gym with my brother, I was going to make sweet potato casserole for Christmas dinner, and I was generally thinking it was going to be a positive experience overall.

What I wasn’t expecting was a relapse into major depression on Christmas day. At first I thought I was simply tired, since I get a little extra-sensitive when I haven’t had enough sleep. I felt bad about being disappointed with what I got for Christmas and how I couldn’t help comparing everyone else’s excitement and gratitude to my own distinct lack thereof. But I thought it would soon pass, after I settled down to take a nap.

Unfortunately, as I was drifting off, I realized how much I missed Josh. It was unexpected, and inexplicable, as I honestly had been doing fine up to that point. But there I was, feeling the same as I had immediately following the breakup.

I had no idea it was coming, and no idea what the root of it was, so I was completely unprepared to deal with my sudden desire to sleep all the time because there was no point in being awake. I felt like there was nothing to wake up to, and I was completely consumed by a desire to get back together with Josh.

I ended up sleeping too late every day to do anything with my time, and slept right up until Christmas dinner was ready to be eaten, and I felt even worse because of how I’d disappointed myself and everyone else.

It soured the entire holiday experience for me, sadly. I’m starting to mend, as I’ve been getting up at a “normal” time for the last couple days (although I think I have the flu now, or something, so that sucks), I made the sweet potato casserole this evening, and I’m going to go to the gym tomorrow.

But I lost a lot of time and ruined a lot of memories I can’t get back, and I’m sad about that. I don’t plan on letting it keep me down in the long run, and I’m fighting back; I just hope I can figure out what happened so the next time won’t hit me so hard.

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